Unit4 (Para. 1) In the last few centuries, marriage has been connected to romantic
love. This kind of package deal is not easy to maintain and indeed many people fail while trying to do so. Nevertheless, most people still pursue this deal. This is another type of paradox associated with marriage.
(Para. 2) Some of the main difficulties of this package deal are the following: (a) in modern society, marriage is no longer unique in fulfilling tasks such as raising children and enhancing one’s status and financial situation, (b) long-term romantic relationships are problematic in that they lack significant changes, which are so meaningful to emotions in general and love in particular, and (c) the greater flexibility of romantic boundaries in modern society make it harder to maintain strict emotional connections and constraints, such as those recommended in marriage. (Para. 3a) In modern society, most of the
penalties for dissolving a marriage have been removed and many of the incentives that marriage offers can be obtained in other social frameworks. The choice of staying within a marriage depends, therefore, more on the issue of love than on those traditionally unique advantages of marriage, such as raising children and enhancing one’s status and financial situation.
(Para. 3b) If a person feels that her present
marital relationship prevents her from experiencing genuine love (and from personal development and satisfaction), there is little incentive for her to stay in the marriage. The fact that most divorce cases now cite a lack of love as the reason for seeking to end the marriage indicates the greater importance that love has in contemporary marriages.
(Para. 4a) Romantic relationships consist of both change, which increases
excitement, and familiarity, which enhances commitment and
liking. The positive role of familiarity may lead love to grow and become deeper over time. However, the lack of novelty may make the element of passion less intense. As David Barash and Judith Lipton put it, “we don’t normally speak of a passionate marriage.
(Para. 4b) A good marriage, a happy marriage, a comfortable and
compatible marriage, yes, but only rarely a passionate one.” They further argue that a passionate marriage would be exhausting, as to “live in a state of perpetual passion” would be to forgo much of the rest of life, and, in truth, there are other things. Love can deepen and broaden ... but it rarely becomes more passionate.
(Para. 4c) Likewise, sex in long-term relationship may be less passionate but
because of familiarity and acquiring better techniques may be more satisfied.
In any case, stability in marriage and well-being are not one and the same: a stable marriage does not necessarily mean that marriage is particularly gratifying or vital. There is no general solution to the problem of the “right” amount and type of change required for more profound and enduring romantic love.
(Para. 5) The problem of a long-term romantic relationship that usually
lacks significant changes is further enhanced in marriage, which involves more obstacles to close personal relationships. In the last few hundred years, marriage has become part of a package deal that is also intended to include love. The more independent that we become and the more flexible our romantic boundaries are, the more it becomes difficult to take on the whole package. One such difficulty is that love, and often ideal love, becomes a necessary condition of the deal.
(Para. 6a) In light of these changes, there has been a significant
increase, over the last few decades, in the percentage of single households in modern society. Such an increase by no means suggests that marriage is dead, but that a growing number of adults are spending more of their lives single or living unmarried with partners. Nevertheless, it seems that the desire for marriage remains strong and constant.
(Para. 6b) The new circumstances have significantly increased the autonomy
of individuals and in particular that of women. The greater independence of individuals weakens the expectation for romantic exclusivity of the kind that involves significant dependence upon the partner. Lovers who do not live together see each other for limited times, do not depend upon each other for their major
needs, and thus they need not abide by any external formal
dictates or constraints.
(Para. 7a) One characteristic of modern society is that it has become
increasingly easier to get out of marriage (or any type of romantic relationship) and to get into a new marital relationship (or any other type of romantic relationship). In light of such changes, the framework of marriage has been transformed from a formal contractual bond with hardly any possibility of future regret into an agreement that can be dissolved without the need to find cause, fault, or justification.
(Para. 7b) The agreement is based on the desires of the heart, rather than
on obligatory commitment. Hence, there is no need to be ashamed of following one’s heart and terminating the marriage, or even in having an affair of the heart. In this sense, love has acquired additional weight in personal relationships.
(Para. 8a) Indeed, love is acquiring ever greater weight in our decisions
to maintain our marriages. Thus, an overwhelming majority of people (over 85% of Americans) said that they would not marry someone they were not in love with and about 50% of Americans believe that they have the right to divorce when romantic love fades. These attitudes express the profound wish to combine romantic love with marriage.
(Para. 8b) Moreover, a 2007 ACNielsen’s survey indicates that 70% of
people surveyed said that marriage is for life and 60% said that marriage is one of their lifetime goals. Although the attitudes toward marriage are largely dominated by a country’s cultural and religious beliefs, the wish for a stable, long term relationship is still a desired goal. Little wonder that most romantic movies end in marriage or very close to it.
(Para. 9a) Romantic love involves commitment, and commitment is enforced by marriage, which imposes constraints against any reduction to that commitment. In this way, the chains of marriage may enhance love. But in ideal love, commitment is internal; it does not stem from external and imposed chains, but from intrinsically valuable attitudes toward the beloved.
(Para. 9b) The great problem that the chains of marriage generate is that
they may kill novelty and change, which is of great value in enhancing passion. As Stephen Mitchell indicates, “ Love and marriage may go together like a horse and carriage, but it is crucial that the horse of passion quickly be tethered by the weight of the carriage of respectability to prevent runaways.” However, the chain of the carriage may be unbearable and may kill the horse.
(Para. 10) In modern society, the greater availability of love outside
marriage has forced people to give love a more significant place in marriage. Alas, the duration of each instance of this love is often limited. It is a situation of having
shorter but higher quality romantic relationships. Sometimes the higher quality provides the circumstances for longer relationships. This quality may enhance the strength of a specific romantic relationship, but it may also make another potential relationship be perceived as more attractive.
(Para. 11) The marital paradox of pursuing an ideal that one is most
likely to fail to achieve could be resolved if we were to accept the possibility of having shorter marriages, in which love is more likely to remain alive. Another way to solve the paradox would be to accept that marriage should essentially involve a
companionable love rather than a romantic one; if romantic love and passionate sex do occur in a marriage, it should be seen as a fortunate bonus. Many people adopt this view. However, most people still seek to combine romantic love with marriage or attempt to find some other long-term romantic relationship.
(Para. 12) Despite the above difficulties Arlene Skolnick argues that
“The death of marriage has been proclaimed countless times in American history; and yet no matter how many times it fails to die, the threat never seems to lose its power.” I join Skolnick in this claim, but would add that marriage seems to be losing its unique, exclusive place and some of its main characteristics.
(Para. 13) The above considerations can be encapsulated in the following statement that a lover might express: “Darling, if our marriage is going to be short, please try to fix the house and make love to me as much as possible
while you are still around.”
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